Living in the Present

Since losing Molly, one of the things I have struggled with is living in the present.  My mind often travels to back before the end of my second pregnancy and to the day I delivered Molly, or it jumps forward to a time in the future when I am done having babies, my family is as complete as it can be, and I never have to worry about pregnancy again.  Grief has played many tricks on my mind.  It makes me think, sometimes for mere moments and sometimes for longer, that I can go back and change what happened.  It makes me think I can control things that no one on Earth can control.  The one thing I would like to control, and I think I might be able to find some success, is keeping my mind in the present.  Brendon helped me take a step towards that goal in February when he planned a trip for our family to go to Florida.

Two years ago my parents purchased a condo in Ft. Myers, Florida.  They now spend most of the winter there.  We went to visit them last March and had a wonderful vacation.  At that time, we decided we would try to visit my parents in Florida every other year if it made sense for our family.  Shortly after Molly died, however, Brendon suggested we take a trip to Florida this year as well.  At that point, I agreed that it would be a good idea to have something to look forward to.  So, later in the winter we made our plans for a February trip.  I didn't anticipate how I would feel going into that trip or how I would feel afterwards.

Our trip didn't have a very smooth start.  We hit a pothole on our drive to Chicago, resulting in a flat tire and what turned out to be a bent tire rim.  Brendon was thankfully able to put on the spare tire on the side of the freeway and get us on our way, uncertain of how we would get the tire fixed in Chicago when we returned from our trip.  Luckily, the rest of our travels went smoothly, and we arrived safely in Orlando.

On our way!

On Disney's Magical Express

I had anticipated that our arrival day would be emotionally challenging as it was Molly's 5 month birthday.  I held it together for the most part until we were waiting in line for the shuttle to our resort.  There was a young baby in a stroller in line next to us, and Cole walked over to peek at the baby.  The grown up with the stroller said to Cole, "It looks like you need a baby at your house, too."  A well-meaning stranger, a pain too deep to describe.  People never know the wound they are slicing open with a simple statement.  As I blinked back tears, part of me wanted to tell the woman about the baby we do need at our house and can never have back, but I knew in that moment it would have been out of spite, not out of love for my daughter, so I let it go.  I know she didn't mean any harm. But I added her comment to a list in my head of Things I Will Never Say To A Stranger.

Our shuttle arrived, and the magic of Disney began.  Well, for me it was more the magic of sunshine and palm trees and uninterrupted family time.  We arrived at the Cars themed Art of Animation Resort, and I'll admit, Brendon and I were just as happy as Cole was to be walking through Radiator Springs.  It was magical indeed.  All the "friends" Cole has watched and played with for two years were life sized, shiny, and very impressive.  Looking back, for me the magic was more in my attitude than in anything else.  For the first time since Molly died, I was able to absolutely, completely enjoy a family activity without constantly feeling that we were incomplete.  It's not that Molly left my mind - she's rooted in there so deep that she will never, not even for a moment, be extracted - I just felt peaceful.  Like we were all truly together and I didn't need to be sad.  I just felt happy.  Sunshine, palm tress, smiling Cole, relaxed Brendon, hearts full of Molly, happy.

"Mater has dents!"

Checking out Fillmore

Ramone

The next two days were spent at Animal Kingdom and SeaWorld.  They weren't perfectly easy days - lots of people, Cole was overwhelmed at times, and lots and lots and lots of families that look the way ours would if Molly were here - but we made some wonderful memories.  Cole's highlights from Animal Kingdom include meeting Chip and Dale, seeing the Finding Nemo musical, watching Mickey's Jammin' Jungle Parade, and eating a Mickey Mouse shaped hot pretzel.  Cole's favorite parts of SeaWorld were meeting Franklin the Turtle, eating popcorn for lunch, touching a stingray, and seeing whales and dolphins jump out of the water.  For me, all of these things were wonderful, but my favorite part was just being there with my family -  spending time with Brendon, Cole, and my parents.  Since my parents are in Florida for five months out of the year, it always feels special when we get to spend time all together.

Attempting to touch a stingray

After two days in Orlando, we drove to Ft. Myers to stay with  my parents for a few days.  We spent the first day there at Ft. Myers Beach.  Oh, the beach.  We talk a lot about Heaven in our house now, and we have a photo of the beach on our fridge.  Cole recently asked me if that was Heaven.  All I could respond with was, "I hope so."  And I absolutely do.  I've always found beaches and oceans very soothing.  I could watch waves crashing against the shore for hours.  To me, there is magic at the beach.  I think there is for Cole, too.  He's not a kid who loves getting messy, and yet he spent four hours digging, building, splashing, and flashing (his trunks wouldn't stay up).  After two busy, overwhelming days in Orlando, a calm, relaxed day at the heavenly beach was exactly what my boy needed.

The next few days went by too fast as vacation days tend to do.  Lots of swimming, a pirate cruise, trips to a great park, a train ride, and a rainy day spent playing and napping.  A lovely trip.  My spirits went up and down quite a bit throughout the trip, and I shed my fair share of tears over missing my girl, but by the end of the week, I felt more peaceful and calm than I have in a while.  We came home a little sunburned, a little sad to leave, and incredibly refreshed.  As anyone who grieves will tell you, grief takes over your whole body.  It is exhausting.  When we got home, my sister told me that I looked better and happier than she had seen me in a long time.  Somehow, months and months ago, my husband knew that this trip would be what we needed to refresh and strengthen us on this long journey.  I am so grateful that he had the foresight to get us out of this cold winter for a bit, out of our house, and into the sunshine.  Something healed in me that week.  I felt a bit closer to Heaven, a bit closer to myself, and closer to the present that my mind is constantly straying from.  So, to my brilliant husband, thank you for taking me out of Wisconsin and back to the present.  I am doing my best to stay.

"This is my family.  I found it, all on my own.  It's little, and broken, but still good."
~Lilo and Stitch