A Year In Review

I sent a holiday card this year with a note of thanks on the back for all of your generosity and kindness.  Unfortunately, the print turned out very tiny and pale, making it difficult to read.  I reprinted it here for those who had a hard time reading it.

Hello Family and Friends,

2012 brought many ups and downs for our family.  In early January, we learned we were expecting our second child.  We were beyond excited to be expanding our family.  In March we traveled to Florida where Cole splashed in the ocean, fed a giraffe at the Naples Zoo, and ate cookies for breakfast with Poppy every day.  Spring brought the wonderful news that Cole was going to have a little sister.  We couldn't believe our wonderful luck.  Summer quickly arrived, and we spent much of our time at the neighborhood pool.  In August Cole started experimenting in the big pool, and before we knew it, he was swimming independently with a life jacket.  Summer turned to Fall, and it was time for our baby girl's arrival.  We sadly learned on September 8th that our girl's heart had stopped beating.  Our dreams of raising our daughter crashed to the ground.  With broken hearts, Debra delivered Molly Christine on September 9th, her exact due date.  We returned home with empty arms, but hearts full of love for both of our children.  Throughout this sad time, we have learned so much from both Cole and Molly.  Cole shows us every day that even during times of despair, there is always a reason to laugh. He talks about his sister in the most wonderful ways, and he has opened up our hearts to the possibility of relationships with those we have lost.  And our perfect Molly.  She has taught us the greatest lessons about life and love.  At times it is hard to be grateful, but because of Molly, we are better parents to Cole, we are more patient with him and each other, and we no longer take anything for granted.  Molly has taught us that tears are not a sign of weakness, but rather, a sign of immeasurable love.  Throughout the past 3 months, we have been touched by so much kindness from family, friends, and neighbors.  We can never thank you all enough for your support.  Losing Molly has been excruciating, however the love that has poured into our home has been overwhelming.  When we didn't know how to stand on our own, you held us up.  We are forever grateful.  

Because of you, we know Molly will never be forgotten.
We wish you peace, love, joy, and hope in the coming year,
Brendon & Debra

As I look back at 2012, I know Brendon and I have so much to be thankful for.  Brendon has a job he loves, and I get to stay home with our quickly growing boy.  We both have wonderful families that we get to spend time with fairly often.  I am particularly blessed to have my sister Deanna so close, both emotionally and physically.  With only 4 blocks separating our homes, we get to spend a lot of time together, our children are growing up together, and we always have an extra set of eyes, ears, and hands when we need them.  As she told me the other day, my kids are hers and her kids are mine.  I know the devastation of losing Molly has hit her almost as hard as it hit us, and yet, she has been a remarkable source of support and strength.  Grateful does not even cut it.  Without Deanna, Jake, James, Ella, Tommy, and Tess, our family would have been lost during the past 3 months.  Sometimes it truly does take a village, not only to raise happy children, but to have happy parents, too.
 
Our trip to Florida in March was our first family vacation since Cole was born.  It was wonderful, with trips to the beach, a visit to a park that had a train ride, swimming in Nana and Poppy's pool, and quiet times with my parents who I missed so much.  This trip also gave us an opportunity to tell my parents that we were expecting Molly.  Despite the fact that my pregnancy didn't end the way we thought it would, I can still appreciate all the excitement and joy the news of our second child brought us and many others during most of this past year.  Finding out she was a girl was an extremely happy day.  When I was pregnant with Cole, I was convinced that I would live in a houseful of boys forever.  Knowing we were having a girl changed everything.  I was suddenly dreaming of tutus and pink blankets and ridiculous dresses.  Again, I am grateful for that excitement.  I may never get it again, and even though Molly isn't here, I still cherish the plans and dreams I had for her.

 The summer brought hours and hours of fun at the Hill Farm Pool.  We are so lucky to live close to the pool, and we were able to join this summer due to the generosity of a friend.  Cole and I spent many hours in the baby/toddler pool.  My belly was big by then, and the summer was hot, so I could often be found sitting in the 12 inches of water asking Cole to pour water on my head.  All summer I had been offering Cole the chance to go in the big pool, the catch being that he had to be potty trained.  Something clicked in August, and we spent the end of the summer in the big pool with his cousins.  Within a week, he was swimming independently with a life jacket.  He was so brave.  One of the strongest memories I will always carry with me of Molly's pregnancy is of how slowly, over the course of those 3 months, my swimsuit seemed to get smaller and smaller.  By the time the pool closed, my belly peeked out from under the suit.

 

And, yes, then came September.  Molly was due to arrive.  We were excited and anxious and waiting, waiting, waiting...Then our world changed.  We left the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts, and came home to a house that felt too empty.  However, our home quickly filled with love and generosity and hope and kindness from neighbors, family, and friends.  We can never thank all of you enough for your help during this season of our lives.  The meals, the yard work, the letters, the thoughts, the prayers...you have held us up.  Your strength became our strength.  You never let us feel like we were alone in our loss.  Molly is our daughter and Cole's sister, but you showed us that she is more than that.  She would have been a member of our community, a blue eyed little swimmer or diver or soccer player or gymnast.  You would have known her, and your support has shown us that just like us, you will not forget her.  We absolutely could not ask for more.


And although our Fall was different than  we planned, life kept moving.  We carry Molly with us, and we keep moving.  September was an overwhelming blur, but as we moved into October and November, it became easier to do family activities.  Pumpkin patches, farms, celebrating Cole's 3rd birthday, selecting a Christmas tree.  Taking one step at a time, we were able to do these special activities with Cole.  It wasn't always easy, but for better or worse, we are a family.  When Cole is older, I don't know if I'll be able to tell him accurately how much he helped us through this time.  He gave me a reason to get out of bed every day.  He gave me a reason to start leaving the house again.  He showed both Brendon and I that through our sadness, we could still laugh and be happy.  And he gives me the opportunity to talk about Molly every day.  He occasionally has those fantastic snippets of "Molly Moments" when he'll tell me something she likes, or did, or says, and Cole always says he loves her before going to bed.  She is part of him, part of us.  And Cole never lets me forget.  I love him immensely for that.

As the holidays approach, we've been pondering ways to incorporate Molly into our traditions.  We have a stocking for her that hangs next to Cole's, and we have several new ornaments on our tree for her.  We contributed toys to a toy drive, and we've asked family to make donations in Molly's name to http://www.mikaylasgrace.com/ or https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/.  Please know that you will not make us sad by talking about Molly this Christmas.  Speaking her name will only let us know that you are remembering her, too.  If you don't know what to say, just tell us you are missing her with us during the holidays.

As 2013 nears, we are hopeful.  Hopeful for new life in our home, hopeful that Cole will continue to grow and be funny and sweet and smart and chatty.  Hopeful that we will continue to heal.  Hopeful that our girl will continue to show herself in whatever ways she can - an unexpected yellow flower, a butterfly sighting, a story from Cole, a lovely dream.  Hopeful that we will continue to learn from this experience.  We wish you hope, happiness, laughter, and healing as the new year approaches.  New Year, New Hope.

I will not let the world view me with pity and think, "Look at what her daughter has done to her."  May they instead watch me and think, "Look at the woman her daughter has helped her become." 
~Erin Gaston